Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Mom

Today has been one of those days.

 You know, where you feel like a mental hospital patient that has missed their meds for a week. I've been a crazy woman, trying to keep my house in order while my kids want to be..well, kids, and rip the house apart. As I sit and type, away from the chaos, I can accept and totally understand that that's just how kids are; cute, but extremely messy and unwilling to listen to reason. Like, when mommy asks them not to dig in the dirt meant to soon hold new grass seed, not to haul said dirt into my house in piles and dump it on my freshly-swept floors, not to chuck the brand-new sidewalk chalk that Diana got for her birthday at the ground just to see it shatter into millions of tiny, powdery pieces, to please help me pick up the mess they made, or to simply play quietly in their rooms for a little while so mommy can take a deep breath and catch up on some of the mounds of cleaning that need to be done, to not hit and fight with each other, to not jump off the bed because it's dangerous, to not slam the doors into the walls repeatedly, as it puts holes in the walls and gives mommy a headache, etc, etc. Nope, that's crazy talk!

Now, don't get me wrong, things aren't always like that around here...my kids have many days where they're helpful, cooperative, angelic, and we have a total blast together. But, then there are days like today that make me question my sanity. Days where I literally break down in heavy sobs as I carry my dirt-covered son upstairs for a bath right after he brought piles of dirt and threw them inside the house onto the floor that had just been swept and was in the middle of being swept again. Days where I wonder how the heck other people handle similar or worse situations with such poise and grace...at the very least, by not complaining about it to anyone who will listen. And, then when the dust settles, when my kids are playing quietly in their rooms after having a nice bath to freshen them up, I'm able to breathe, to evaluate my situation and realize it's not all so bad. Sure, I just bawled and sobbed over the fact that my kids were making a horrid mess that I now have to clean up, because Heaven knows they won't clean it up, but what I mean is I realize how lucky I am. So lucky to have two beautiful kids to make a beastly mess of my house and backyard, so lucky that, although I about threw my back out carrying my son upstairs while being a week and a half away from giving birth, I'm pregnant and so close to having another cute monster join my little family. How many people would do literally anything to be in my situation? To have at least one, or at least one more kid. To be able to be pregnant and experience the ups and downs (physically and emotionally) that come with that experience. To feel exhausted and frustrated and like a complete basket-case at the end of the day, simply because it means they have kids that they get to stay home and care for each and every day. How lucky am I? Now, this thought process doesn't help me when I'm in the thick of the craziness that occurs around here, but it sure helps get my head back in the right place when I've had a chance to step back and be alone and breathe. I realize that even the best-composed mommies out there have hard days. Maybe they don't handle them the same way I do, but their lives aren't perfect, and that's a-ok...dare, I say, even, normal.

I remember, as a kid, times when I'd fight with my mom or I'd just be a beast and my mom would walk off to her room sobbing, and now when I find myself sobbing uncontrollably and wondering what the crap I'm doing wrong, my mind is instantly transported back to those times. I hear and see my mom so clearly and I truly understand what she was feeling at those moments, and I realize this is all part of being a mom. How could I truly enjoy the beauty of my sweet children, the times when they're totally angelic and when we have awesome days, if we don't have days where things completely fall apart and I'm left in tears? I couldn't enjoy it. I would take it for granted. I wouldn't know any different and therefore wouldn't be able to enjoy it. There must be opposition in all things, and motherhood is definitely one of those things.

It reminds me of a conversation my mom and younger sister had last week as we sat visiting with my mom at her house; she was saying how hard motherhood is. How motherhood is only meant for the strongest of women, because, if motherhood was easy, wouldn't EVERY woman be a mother? How many women have you heard of lately that state having kids is NOT for them, or that they'd rather go to work every day than stay home and raise kids? That's because it's hard work!! It's definitely not all sunshine, rainbows, butterflies, and bonbons. But, that doesn't mean it isn't worth every single second of heartache and frustration I suffer. Because, you know what? It's really not always so bad. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it can be horribly frustrating at times, and I wonder how I could be SO BAD at it. BUT, there are so many good moments, so much love and satisfaction and inexplicable joy in the good and the bad moments that I would never trade any of it for ANYTHING in this entire world. Seriously. Being a mother is what I've always wanted, ever since I was a tiny child...to have a big family and go crazy from all the chaos, because I know it's worth it. Because I know I could NEVER, EVER be happier doing anything else. And, when I have days like today, it helps me to step back and remember all of that. That, just because I'm not perfect, just because I can't keep it together 24/7/365, doesn't mean it isn't the most rewarding thing I could ever do and doesn't mean that I'm not cut out for it. It just pushes me to try harder, and to remember I'm not alone. I'm not the only one feeling this way at times, and I don't have to do it alone. Not only do I have an AWESOME husband who more than pulls his weight when he's at home (he's seriously THE BEST HUSBAND ever created. NO JOKE), but I also have a loving Heavenly Father who is waiting to help me if I simply ask, and a Savior who suffered unspeakable pain and literally felt every moment of frustration and despair that I have ever or will ever experience, and that He's there to help lighten my load if I just turn to Him..that He knows better than anyone what I'm going through as I go through it and that He paid that price so I don't have to bear the weight alone.

When it's all put into perspective, I remember that motherhood is the biggest blessing on this Earth and I am SO, SO LUCKY to be able to experience all of the pains and joys associated with it...because it means that I am a mom. 
And there's nothing better than that.

4 weeks left!

Today I had one of my prenatal appointments (I'm now down to weekly appointments, as I'm exactly 36 weeks today) and my doctor and I set my delivery date! I'm so excited!! I was hoping to have this baby at 39 weeks, like I did with Daniel, but Mike expressed concern about having this baby early (Daniel was a pretty tiny guy), his words were along the lines of he wanted to give this kid "more time to cook", and he also was worried how this girl and Diana would deal, in the future, with having their birthdays only 2 days apart (as opposed to 9 days apart, having her on my due date). I have many siblings with very close birthdays, and none of them seem to have ever minded this, but Mike worries with Diana being the cute Drama Queen she is, that it would cause issues..and he may very well be right. So, I agreed to wait until my due date to have this little girl. Honestly, I had a hard time making up my mind as to which date I wanted...I thought it would be nice having her a week early, having hers and Diana's birthdays that much closer, and having her exactly a week early would mean having her on my Dad's birthday, which I'm sure he would have loved. But then I was torn, because I thought it would be cool to have someone with a birthday in each month from February-May (Mike and the kids), I worried that it would put too much stress on Mike, as he's got lots of crap going on at work over the next couple of weeks, I thought it would REALLY be nice to have an additional week to clean and prepare for the baby's arrival... you know, finish the 5-million projects that I have planned that need to get done before I have this baby (because ain't nothing going to be happening for a while after she gets here!), and then I could give Diana all the attention and time she could possibly want on her birthday, instead of being too preoccupied with the fact that I'd have a baby arriving in 2 days time. So, since Mike suggested the 7th of March, I figured it was best to agree and go with that date (Mike is usually extremely passive about stuff like this, so when he makes a suggestion, I learn to go with it, because he's always right in those situations). It's not so bad that I have to wait an extra week...I mean, I'm very lucky that I get to know EXACTLY when my baby is coming and can schedule my life around it, making each baby's arrival as convenient as possible for everyone. I'm just a little sad that I have 4 weeks left as opposed to 3, as now I'm getting very excited about this baby joining us, but I think we made the best choice. I mean, this pregnancy has been going very well, with no major problems aside from the massive, severe morning sickness I suffered from in the beginning, so I can't complain, and this pregnancy really has gone pretty fast for me...I just knew by this point I'd start getting anxious to see my baby and have her join us. I've already taken out all her clothes, washed them and put them away (the newborn/0-3 month stuff only) and my nesting has kicked into full gear over the past week, with me tackling major projects (like painting all of our baseboards downstairs on my own one day on a whim because I couldn't stand looking at them all scuffed and bunged up anymore) and planning many, many other projects that I think I'll somehow be able to accomplish over the next 4 weeks..I may be a giant basket case by the end of this month. But, the best part is I know for sure when my baby's getting here and I can get all my planning and prep done now. I'm very excited and can't believe I'm so close to the end of pregnancy #3!